You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
