just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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