our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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