Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
