im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
