No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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