he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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