If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
