Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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