just come out here and I will go home with you...
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
