i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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