Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
