All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
