How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
