dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
