i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I could fuck to npr.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
