everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Randomize
