just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
