You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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