i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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