My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
