I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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