Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
