I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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