I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Duck Duck Cougar?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
