Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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