Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
