and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
