I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
