Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Success! We fucked roommates!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
