enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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