She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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