Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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