I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
This is classic penis vs brain.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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