the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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