In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
