Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
