all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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