i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
