Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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