Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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