I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
COCAINE IS GR8
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
