I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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