so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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