My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
