What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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