My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
