i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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