i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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