we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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