I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
