yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We had to coat check the pizza.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
